Public Service Announcement (by Port)

I get lots of first "encounters" (calling it a "date" or even a "meeting" gives this too much credit). Has anyone noticed that there's ALWAYS A MEGA BOMB that they are hiding? I can almost see the calculations in their brains as they are trying to decide when to drop that bomb on me- BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS A MEGA BOMB.

i don't mean the stuff like...

"oh you aren't divorced.. you're separated?" Wow why did you lie in your profile?

"The longest I've ever been sober is one year"... hmmm you're middle-aged and that's the longest time? Ok that's ok. We can get through this together!

"I was arrested over 15 times in my 20s-30s...." oh um ok well that was over a decade ago right?

Oh no, no, no.... these are the MEGA BOMBS:

"I built a house for this person who already had a boyfriend..she moved in and I funded her entire lifestyle.. but then my kids moved in and she refused to see them so I had to kick her out and now I'm in hiding"

"I'm separated but I can never get divorced... I also have four kids" (told me eight months in)

"I lost custody of my kids for a couple years.. because my last girlfriend did cocaine in front of them..."

"My ex-wife still periodically drives by the house and throws stuff at people's cars in my driveway because she knows I'm dating... she's been in prison before..."

This is what I've learned about middle aged dating (aka MAD as coined by CAKEd), we've all lived too f*ck*ng long to not have accumulated some deep sh*t. I've yet to meet someone who made it out of a LTR/ marriage intact. We don't hop, skip, slide down f*ck*ng rainbows 🌈 after being involved with someone (possibly having children with them) and watching the entire thing implode.

Does it mean we are all f*cked?

Or maybe the question can be phrased as

how much worse does MAD need to get before we all start dating ChatGPT and a dildo?

I mean middle-agers don't even have the background to keep up with the maddening "trends" or vocabulary. Wtf is kitten fishing? Cookie-jarring? Benching? Who comes up with this sh*t? Probably a 25-yo who can't babysit their cousin's kid without taking 200 selfies/ "snaps".

So yea- we are f*cked... but my married/ LTR friends are f*cked too. The bravest will tell you that it just sucks being married sometimes- and it'll last for years of suckiness. Guess what? We make it work. Sh*t gets sacrificed, trauma gets repressed (later to come out as part of the MEGA BOMB dropping) and some of us get divorced. 

We are all trying our best out here. It's ok to have MEGA BOMBS. Actually, it's perfectionly fine to be a bit f*ck*d in the head. Life is f*ck*d up. That's being human... we have our pitfalls and freak out buttons. That's actually not the issue here.

The issue is the refusal to recognize the toxic dynamic behind bomb-dropping, witholding information and refusing to take accountability let alone recognize what you did wrong and need to fix- before entering into another potential relationship.

Here's some MAD life lessons that will make the world a brighter, happier place:

1. ENTER MAD RESPONSIBILY: We all deal with too much sh*t as it is. Please own your own bullsh*t and fix it before entering MAD. You better not be doing cocaine in front of your 7-year-old....

2. TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT YOURSELF. Oh your last relationship didn't work out because you never talked to each other? Your marriage fell apart because of poor communication? We aren't working out because we can't get in the same page when you're stonewalling? WHO IS THE COMMON DENOMINATOR HERE?

3. DONT ENTER MAD AND LIE ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE STATUS. F*ck all of you. There's nothing else to be said here. 

4. AT LEAST KNOW WHEN YOU DONT KNOW J*CKSH*T and be willing to seek professional help. It's just irresponsible to push someone else's life in chaos because you couldn't deal with your ex (get a f*cking restraining order you wimp) and lay down boundaries (did anyone say therapy)?

5. WITHOLDING INFORMATION IS STILL LYING. F*ck all of you. There's nothing else to be said here. 

This is the end of the public service announcement. You may resume you're regularly scheduled programs.